A post dedicated to 2014.5
Dear Zephy,
You are 17 in 3 months.
I know it sounds like you still have long way to go, but it's not.
You are halfway through 2015.
2015 feels like nothing, but it's like everything.
I know you never like 2015, you never did.
But, oh my god, you made it through, 6 whole months.
From January, to June, you lost more than you gained.
Even if you gained something, somehow it seems like a loss too.
You lost your friends, they used to be those people you spent all your midnight with.
They will always be there when you are boring and sad or even depressed.
You talk about everything, you weren't even shy when messaging in voice note.
That was a big improvement, for yourself.
Nobody really know how afraid of people you are.
Cause you look like you are not.
"You are making everyone sad, because of how sad you are."
Remember?
Someone said that to you, out of expectation, you don't feel sorry.
Not even a little bit.
Because you finally felt that someone, finally, finally care about you and your feelings.
You won't get that anymore nowadays.
But you can't blame anyone else.
"I will eventually get better, leave me alone."
That's what you said.
I understand, because you don't want to let other people think you are a trouble.
You think you are annoying when you can't control all your anxiety and insecurities.
It's okay, cause what you think are actually right.
Time flies.
You are going to leave this school very soon.
Still remember when you love this school so much?
Those time, you skipped classes but you still love your school.
Your friends in school, your seniors in school, your teachers in school, you love them, with all of your heart.
What's wrong?
Everything is so different.
Everyone is so ugly.
Oh Fuck, I hate people in my school so much.
I don't know how to describe my feelings towards them.
I hate them.
I really do.
Why must them do this?
"Do what you love, just be yourself"
They keep tweeting this and keep on saying this on ask.fm like they are motivator or some shit.
Turn out they are the one who point at you and judge you and compliment some fake compliments and greet some fake morning wish and say some fake I love you so much xo kinda thing,
I am so fed up.
I don't know how to face all these.
"If you can't beat them, join them."
I don't want.
I don't want to.
Why should I join them?
I don't like.
Is popularities really matter?
I don't think so.
I don't know how to continue this.
Bye.
Even if I hate this school that much,
I really don't want to leave here.
I don't want to grow up.
I don't want to.
